My thoughts were crazy, I couldn’t sleep at all. Of course I could blame it on a bottle of wine we drank, but I knew that the truth is completely different. The emotions I felt were totally new. I was embarrassed and scared and I wanted to fall underground, but at the same time I wanted to pretend that nothing happened, to be cool, to be relaxed. I tried to breathe quietly so as not to wake up Monica sleeping on the adjacent bed.
Damn, this was supposed to be our first girls’ trip! Mom agreed only because we were going alone, without any boys. As if there was such a possibility at all. Monica is new at our school, she moved in a few months ago and we immediately got to like each other. I was never very popular, I had a few friends, but rather those with whom contacts ended right after the last bell at school. With Monica it was different. Practically from the very beginning we were inseparable, we sat together during classes, exchanged sandwiches during breaks, gossiped about everyone, and after lessons we did our homework together, walked out my stupid, big dog Elvis and did everything that friends usually do. Or at least I thought so, because I have never had one before.
With Monica I felt at ease, laughed loudly as never before, cried, talking about arguments with Mom and completely unconsciously – I was the real me. But now everything has changed. After the second glass of horrible, cheap alcohol, which we managed to buy in a small store near the guesthouse, she admitted to me not only that she prefers girls, but also that, as she put it, she “probably loves me”.
First I laughed, I thought she was joking. But I saw that my laughter hurt her. Very much so. I didn’t know at all what to say, I said something about alcohol, added a quick good night and a second later I was lying in my bed, facing the wall, trying to understand what had just happened.
The next day I woke up with a slight hangover – moral and the one caused by alcohol. Monica wasn’t in the room. I turned to the other side and reached under the pillow to my phone. 5% battery and one SMS. I swiped my finger to open the message. It was from Monica:
“Sorry for making you uncomfortable. See you at school.”
The days passed one after another, rather the same. Monica was clearly avoiding me, I didn’t see what to tell her either. I missed her. I missed the feeling of freedom and I missed my friend. Something new has come up. Since she told me that she had feelings for me, something has changed inside me. It started with a dream that I had a few days after my lonely return from the ” girls’ trip”. In the dream, Monica and I spent time, as we usually do, walking with my dog and laughing out loud, with the difference that this time we behaved more like a couple – we held hands and kissed. I woke up with a stupid smile on my face, but I quickly recovered. This is just the power of suggestion! I just have in my head what she told me recently! – I kept telling myself.
Only that I started to look at her completely different. I caught myself staring at her at school. I was afraid what all this meant. Am I a lesbian now? Stupidity! After all, I like boys, I went out with Josh for the last semester! I have my own type, I like athletic, intelligent guys – not fools from the team, but those who take care of themselves, have something in them.
So maybe I am bi? I used to read that in fact, even over 80% women were bisexual, but many of them didn’t want to admit it. I don’t think I wanted to admit it either. Anyway, my grandmother would probably have a heart attack, she is at least twice a week in church, she said many times that she prays for a good husband for me, because “such a pretty girl should already have a husband, or at least a fiancée.” Times do not change in her world.
I was terribly torn, but I knew one thing – I missed my friend.
I wrote a quick SMS
-Meet me after school.
and I quickly turned off the screen so I couldn’t see if she wrote back. I saw her eating her sandwich across the hall. For three weeks we had been spending breaks separately. She picked up her phone, read the message and looked around. Our eyes met, I smiled uncertainly and Monica did the same and slightly nodded.
The closer it got to the end of the lesson, the more nervous I was. My hands were sweating, my head was confused and I didn’t know what I was expecting at all.
I left school a quarter past three. Monica was already waiting on our bench.
That’s it. Well, that was awkward.
I felt like when I was 11 again, going with my first Valentine’s Day card to the most handsome boy in class. But then I panicked, threw the card under his feet and we never talked again. Well, here I wanted to achieve a different effect. Get a grip! I thought.
– I’m sorry. – I started. – I shouldn’t have laughed then. I panicked.
– It’s okay, I’m sorry. I thought… I thought you felt it too.
For the last few days I’ve been preparing various scenarios in my head for this occasion, I had a few ready-made statements, perfect answers, excuses and theories, only that somehow they all evaporated from my head. It was empty, I could only hear my heart beating loudly. I took a deep breath and started:
– I miss my friend very much. I don’t know what to think about all this, I don’t know if I am… if I share your… or…
– Hey, relax. – She said calmly and smiled at me. I looked around. Nobody was paying attention to us, but I still felt like we were in a spotlight.
– Yes, yes. I mean, these last few weeks have been terrible. I’m sorry for hurting you. I want my friend back. And I don’t know–
Now I felt that my whole face was completely red –
-I don’t know what that means, but I’ve been thinking about you for some time.
– I’ ve been thinking about you too. She smiled. But not spitefully, but good-natured, kindly.
– I’ve been thinking about you romantically.
I said quickly, on one breath. I’ve been thinking about you romantically?! What a stupid sentence, like what am I? A hundred years old. I looked down and waited for another round of laughter, this time one that I won’t recover from. But it wasn’t coming. Silence. I raised my eyes.
Monica was watching me closely, she had a very serious face.
– You don’t have to say that. I am still your friend, whether you share my feelings or not. I would never force you to do anything.
– It’s not like that! – I interrupted her. Then a whole stream of words came out of my mouth. I felt like I was getting lighter, more relaxed with each sentence. I explained to her how I felt when we were together, told her that I had never had such a friend before, that it was new and special for me, and at the end I told her about the dream we were in.
– I don’t want to lose you. – I finished it.
She grabbed my hand, an innocent gesture, so popular among my friends, made my whole body shiver. I felt my cheeks burning, the heat spilled in my stomach, and down my spine a strange but damn pleasant tingling sensation. I wanted this feeling to last, I wanted more!
We talked like this for about three hours, we laughed like before, I told her again about Elvis the dog’s foolishness, I complained a little bit about my mother telling me to go to bed at 10pm, when all the kids were still playing outside, we were gossiping about the new English teacher and everything was as it was before, only I didn’t let go of her hand once. I held on to her like an anchor, I was afraid that she would leave me again.
I came home almost in jumping, happy, smiling and carefree. Even before entering, I texted her that I was already home.
Mom was waiting for me in the kitchen.
– Sit down. – She started. – Why are you so late? –
– I did my homework with Monica – I answered with a smile.
– You are lying! – She screamed. I didn’t understand what was going on.
– Marge saw you with that girl! She saw you hugging each other shamelessly near the school! In front of everyone! Don’t you have any shame?! How could you do this to me?!
– Mom, it’s not like that! We didn’t do anything wrong, we just held hands!
– Are you a dyke now?! Not under my roof, I won’t let you. You are not allowed to see this girl. From now on you come straight home, do your homework at the kitchen table and go to your room. Leave your phone!
I went to my room crying. I did not understand what had happened. Nosey neighbor Marge is known for not having her life, so she is interested in the life of everyone around her, but we did nothing wrong. We just held hands…
I cried half the night, woke up with terrible shadows under my eyes, entered the kitchen half conscious.
Mom smiled as if nothing ever happened.
-Lunch is packed on the table, you can take your phone to school, I will pick you up after classes.
I felt like a zombie. I told Monica about what happened as soon as I saw her.
– I am so sorry…
– So what now?
– What do you mean what? – I said fiercely.
– Now we’ll see each other in secret.
I was mad at my mom. Angry for treating me like a child, angry for listening to stupid Marge, angry for taking my phone, angry for telling me who to be friends with. Nothing would bring me more joy than to make her mad.
Over the next few weeks, me and Monica were practically inseparable at school, the first time we kissed each other in the locker room after PE, when there was no one else. This couldn’t be compared to kissing Josh. It was soft, nice, gentle, and when she bit my lip slightly, I felt a whirl in my head. She smelled fresh, shampoo mixed with the scent of her skin. I drove my hand over her shoulder – she had goose bumps, even though it was hot all around. Her tongue gently touched the tip of my tongue, not too much, just perfect. I had the impression that my legs were bending underneath me. I was excited, aroused. I saw the same thing in her eyes. It was a wonderful feeling.
The hours at school passed very quickly when we counted the time from break to break, just to be able to sneak out somewhere where no one would see us. I had the feeling that I could only be myself with her. We had already been “dating” for two months and hadn’t even once gone further than passionate kisses.
– I have a free place on Saturday – Monica told me. We knew what it meant. Now I had to come up with an excuse and sneak out of the house for the whole day so that Mom wouldn’t get suspicious. I said that we would be doing a group project in the city library. In the morning I took a long bath, packed some random books and left the house with a feeling of excitement and impatience.
Monica welcomed me with a glass of wine at the entrance. She looked completely different than at school, she was always looking nice, but this time she looked amazing. She wore short sports shorts and a loose t-shirt. Nothing unusual, but I couldn’t resist it. I put my backpack on the doorstep and immediately started to kiss her. I don’t even know when we went to her room. The t-shirt had one big advantage – it was extremely easy to slip my hands under it. She didn’t wear a bra. At that point I already knew I was all wet, but I didn’t want to rush, I was caressing her breasts by kissing her neck while she agilely unzipped my pants. When she touched me down there, I moaned loudly. I didn’t know where to start, I had some thoughts in my head, but nothing made much sense. In one move I took off her T-shirt… and I let you guess the rest… I hugged her and laughed with the most sincere laughter full of joy and love. I felt great. We spent the whole day together, we went back to bed twice. The third time we just hugged and kissed. We felt wonderful.
I came home so happy, but the joy didn’t last long. Mom waited for me again, this time she cried. From the entrance she reproached me for how I could do this to her, after all, she is a good mother, she didn’t raise me in such a way that I had no respect for her and behaved like a whore. Yes, a whore. That’s what she called me. She said that she met Mom of Mark, with whom I was supposed to do the project, but the story didn’t add up, so she went to the library. After she found out that I wasn’t there at all, she figured out the rest.
– You have until the evening, choose either home or your lover. I will not be ashamed of people on the street because of you.
I felt as if the walls around me started to tighten. I didn’t want to believe that this was really happening. I tried to explain to her that I’m not hurting anyone, that I’m happy the way it is. She didn’t listen. I went to my room, packed some things and called Monica. She came to pick me up after a few minutes. When I was leaving, Mom didn’t even look at me.
The next two weeks were like not from this world. Monica’s parents let me stay as long as I needed. They knew about our relationship, but told us to sleep in separate beds. Well, their house, their rules.
Then, something happened that I did not expect at all. I came out of school after classes and saw that my mother and grandmother were waiting for me.
– Come home, child.
Mom said. Nothing more.
-We love you, no matter what. You should’ve came to me, Silly.
– Invite your friend to dinner, we have to finally meet. – She added.
I was so happy.
I invited Monica to dinner and we had the best night ever with mom and grandma.
After dinner mom told me that Monica could stay for the night.
She slept in my bedroom and the night was magical…