Good day everyone, yesterday I was scrolling through Google searching for local LGBTQ communities, becuase I never felt so alone in my life as now.

Short version of my life: At 6 years old I knew I was different, I was attracted to girls and wanted to be a boy so that I can date all the hot girls in the school. hehehe. But no matter how hard I prayed God didn’t want to change me and i lived with this shame of being gay. I couldnt even say the word gay. At the age of 26 I was pressured by this girl I was totally in love with to confess that I like girls. I did, and my life changed. I thought for the better but not. Turns out the girl of my dreams was a closet gay and that she was in love with her best friend. In a messed up way she confessed that she is in love me with (to keep me away from her best friend) and we started dating for 3 years. 3 years of my life ruined by a toxic relationship. She made me believe that I am nothing without her and in those 3 years I started to believe that. I believed that I cant live without her, I was miserable because deep down I knew she never loved me the way I loved her. She just used me for times when she was alone or when I had to pay for stuff or make her feel good about herself. Then by some miracle she left me but I was an empty vessel by then. 

Then I met the love of my life. She was everything I ever wanted. (She was straight)… We fell in love and I had the best year of my life. With her i thought I can be gay in public, tell my parents and friends. I thought God saved me. Long story short. She cheated on me with my ex girlfriend and they started a life together last year. They bought a house, planning to adopt a child and and and.

As you can guess I was heartbroken, two people I loved and trusted betrayed me, I was defeated, I felt ashamed, I felt hate and I hated being gay. I dont know how to face life anymore, my confidence and ego shattered. Now after this I am 31 years old and I never felt so alone in my life, empty. Do you even get decend gay people out there anymore? I am normal, all I want is normal. A normal healthy relationship, no threesomes or one nightstands. A beautiful wife that I love and cherish, adopting children and be good citizens in our surrouding community. Rollmodels. 

 

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